Space L Clottey

Daily Notes - May

2021-05-31

I’ve won.

Excacly as planned.

What do I do, when I’m alone?

What do I do?

What do I do?

:(

I’ll crush her. It’ll be easy, like breaking a toothpick.

I intend to make the quotes reflect my tone.

That’s pretty funny, I rediscovered what I did last night (I’d forgotten) from the log below.

Weird that this is kind of a public diary, huh. Most people don’t do this, but it’s not up to others to find truth for me or even for themselves. And any truth they find for themselves may very much not work for me anyway.

Eyesight improving with these far-sighted glasses, weird.

Mum stole my money. Was getting worked up about it then I realised palpably just how out of control I was and how much I was choosing my perception and choosing to get mad, and I realised how many other options I had and manufactured indifference.

What if you never forcefully tried to implement advice but just knew and kept in mind all the possiblities and tools, using them when they are best to apply?

Maybe trying to apply every tool everwhere is bad, disrespecting the virtue of narrowness.

When’s Derek Sivers’ book out?

Yay! I went to sive.rs/h for the hundreth time and there’s an update! There are some new notes and a table of contents now!!

He’s been writing it for four years, oh god.

A few months left, he says. Alrighty, I’ll check again in July.

I just want to watch Rick and Morty all day and forever :(

And to eat, without getting full, and without feeling sick.

To watch without using up time.

To become amazing at programming without struggle.

To move without having to get up.

And to be with others.

Still working on secret project post.

2021-05-30

Oh it’s been so long since we’ve been together in Pink’s ship

Went to two “meetups” today, one that was formal and the other was Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park.

I love how astonishingly easy it is to navigate to Central London, and how friendly people were at Speaker’s corner. I think the conversation in the corner was more natural and I’d like to optimize more towards that, though the purposeful meetup stuff wasn’t bad.

It was a tad awkward and forced though, would prefer to have a dedicated activity.

Now I’m going to listen to a Rick and Morty podcast.

Oh! I was also super productive afterwards! Like really productive! I wonder why.

And I am going to start using Plan tomorrow.

Or am I?

No I don’t think I will

2021-05-29

Gone. Nothing but a remnant.

(Apparently I didn’t journal today…! What did I do today, what did I think of? Who knows!)

2021-05-28

Visited boarding school today.

I find it amusing that these daily notes and the constant strength of my desire to write here is a remnant of my ‘Journal Every Day’ extreme challenge. Extreme challenges are great.

And did your granny say “listen to your heart”? “Be who you are on the inside”?

The virtue of silence is a difficult one, but I did follow the ‘tell jokes only for yourself’ principle. I was about to send a joke into a group chat, then I thought about it, and read it to myself. A chuckle came out but it didn’t feel significantly sincere.

I hate how much I was smiling and laughing and being not serious in a recent interview I conducted. Sometimes correcting for this leads to not giving enough credit to other people’s jokes

I’ve reinstalled leech block on Firefox. I recall the ‘block time’

I’m not supposed to be here!

I spent a lot of time reading about a super low status person on Less Wrong today. I’ve been reading a lot of Less Wrong, since I want to find more people who embody the values of Nate Soares and Eliezer Yudkowsky (of Replacing Guilt and Rationality: From AI-Zombies fame) now that I’m more embracing of their principles and welcoming them back into my brain.

And also because I want all the answers! And I want people to agree with me!

Anyway, I was reading a MASSIVE article on akrasia and clicking a bunch of hyperlinks. I think delays + crippling devices will do a good deal of productivity. I’d like to start moving all watching of the leisurely kind onto smaller screens, eg phone. but idk if can manage power of constant screen access on hpone.

Friend had a baby. My mum took this news better than I thought, having a baby is an important universal experience.

It is actually bit annoying. Yeah, I said it.

Just kidding :( I wrote the ‘it’s actually a bit annoying’ like half an hour ago, got distracted, just came back and saw that fragment and there’s no way I remember what I meant to finish it off as. It’s gone, to the ether!

I wanna listen to music more as a leisure activity, that hour I listened to was really nice.

DAMMIT, failed extreme challenge 2 days in row!

I think the change from philosophy -> rationality right now is about the same magnitude as the change from rationality -> philosophy back in january. Man. I feel really different, like things I was saying just weeks ago are lies. I will have to do a big clean out here. Shame. Or maybe I could dump it all and start afresh? Who’s up for some lightlihood.brick.do?

lightlihood.wordpress.com?

It JUST had a purpose and I’ve lost it! It had a catchy reason!

Oh it’s back!

Likelihood

but light, because adding light to your life is good (but i don’t even know if THAT’s true!)

For all we know, everything we’ve ever known is just shit we made up

~ Glory to Glorzo, Rick and Morty

My mood

Lighthood

Buzz Lightyear, Light Yagami, Likelihood.

What do I like about Buzz though? That I’ve known him for a long time?

Hmmmm

grievance? seriousness? reputation

“What do you like more? Fiction or non fiction?”

“Well I’ll be honest I don’t really have a preference

Cos I read a lotta both and they both have some grievance

Non-fiction is for learning”

“What?”

“Non-fiction is for learning

Fiction’s for theory of mind

And they just keep helping”

“Help who?”

“Help me I am a smarter individual”

“What?”

“I am a smarter individual

Now let me some it up

It’s pretty underrepresented”

“It’s pretty underpressented”

“When I was a child, I read fiction and non-ficiton

Now I just can’t stop”

“Don’t stop, don’t stop”

Will delete blog soon and create a new blog based on the scientific method. it will be called ‘lesswrong’

2021-05-27

You wot miss, we don’t understand all your fancy words and ya diagrams. Where do babies come from, man?

So tired…

Spent a lot of time today cycling around massive park. I discovered many small places I’d never seen before it’s surprising to me that there’s still stuff I couldn’t find.

I didn’t do two hours of SuperMemo today.

I was really, really tired. Couldn’

Friend had a baby.

Was annoyed at mum and brother and decidedly was not holding back in expressing that annoyance, I let my self-righteousness guide my words and it felt good to be somewhat spiteful.

I’ve been eating sugar again. Curse you, Replacing Guilt!

But also, thank you Replacing Guilt! You beautiful scientific rationalist reality-oriented replacement for Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It, you.

I can join a running club!

Running + socialising!

Running feels great!

And it’s a glorious beautiful area!

Am screwing around on the internet now that it’s back a lot.

I only want to watch cartoons when the desire to watch them as the desire to watch Rest and Ricklaxation was yesterday, because the desire was all powerful without being because I was running away from any scary thoughts but because I loved it.

Almost fell to my death today haha lol.

It wasn’t really to death. but it was a pretty sleep stope I was trying to navigate down, and a fun mental problem yanking my bike back up.

The mood when I was cycling (and this is hard for me to write now because I don’t feel it anymore) was ‘FINE! FINE! Think everything you need to think, brain, if you’re mad! I’ll stare at every thought! Is that what you want?’

It doesn’t work though because being outside is too high stimulus. Need to meditate, there are revelations in meditation.

I really like the idea of using your entire body and not just swiping on images under glass. Biking gets a lot of this, there are my legs which are pumping triumphantly swinging in satisfying arch’s, there’s my whole body and torso which is doing the management of balance, controlling how far forward I lean, satisfyingly stretching out my back. And there’s my hands, guiding me with just the tap of a finger.

I think swimming is everything though.

cycling > running > swimming, for how much of body they use. But they’re all great fun. Especially cycling, because the bike is like a toy.

2021-05-26

Itch itch itch, scratch scratch scratch — the Itchy and Scratchy show!

Feels weird not writing about my life. Had repeated desire to

WIFI is back. I want to use it well, I don’t want to instantly fall into old habits. This is opportunity to change, maybe forever, but I’d need to think about it a lot. Harder than I’ve ever thought about anything.

Dammit, should’ve used caffeine today for work all day.

Work on computer is fun but being outside is fun but not as fun as work. Riding fast is fun. Maybe I should start timing myself on the greenway, all the way down.

Wish I had my watch. Did I stop meditating because I lost my watch?

I really wanted to watch Rick and Morty’s Rest and Ricklaxation today. Season three is pretty good.

Didn’t speak to 2 main friends today, but spoke to other two for very long time. Feels weird. Are they dead? Maybe. Oh yeah! They visited school.

I did all the things! There’s nothing more weighing on me!

Prototype is going well!!!

Gonna no longer use computer for watching cartoons. Only phone.

Might do that for fun youtube videos too, download them as mp4 then upload to google drive and watch on phone for those too.

2021-05-25

I can’t even fly outside the window

Really tired, screwed my sleep last night more than usual by writing the ‘A Brighter Light’ post, but I got really good feedback for it so maybe it was useful.

Should’ve dressed into pyjamas earlier.

I feel bored. Or like I’m unable to do things. Is this cos no internet? If there was internet I’d be watching Steven Universe now. So many good things to rewatch.

SuperMemo, I have some left. When it starts to feel like chore you can just press ctrl+l then you get a bunch of short fragments which are easier to use.

…nap…?

Sprint! See spacelearns.com

Lounge. Lounge? Lounge!

2021-05-24

“Wait, do I have infinite daughters?”

“Nope. Nooo, just me.”

Got 2 hours SuperMemo to do. Might as well start now right?

I had temptation just then, it went: drown out my sorrow and indecision, play over my thoughts.

That was the desire to watch Steven Universe, to play over the uncertainty of not knowing what to code.

[looks into void]

Don’t stop dancing… (dancing… dancing…)

[jumps in]

I ran, and I didn’t stop.

I just started running and I didn’t stop running and I didn’t stop running and I didn’t stop running and I didn’t stop running an I didn’t stop running and I didn’t stop running and I didn’t stop running.

​ —

I’m tired, absolutely exhausted, there’s a strong force pulling behind my eyes, demanding them to close, or to sleep, I think.

But I am not hindered.

This is after one good hour with SuperMemo. Not being able to get distracted to write is a blessing, sometimes it’s good to just consume. Last night, when I was in bed, my brain was really going at it, makin’ connections between things.

How can I only believe what is true? I wish to believe what is true, for that is what exists. I don’t want to be a collection of randomly assigned traits

Actually that’s interesting: SuperMemo and reading provide the same sort of relief from thoughts. I didn’t think about me or my life at all, just whoever I was reading took over my brain.

But it seems a lot healthier and useful than watching cartoon.

I’m was really getting into the religion post but now I care less. The person I wr

I see you.

I… c… u…

Jesus Christ. We were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign.

Look at me! Turn around and look at me you one eyed demon!

You’re a real wise guy but you made one fatal mistake — you messed with my family.

“You’re making a mistake! I’ll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power your own galaxy — please!

What’s happening to me?

<My time has come to burn, I evoke the ancient powers that I may return!>

Stanley!

Look at me. Look into my eyes.

Everyone’s just thrilled to see you safe and sound.

Did you have fun? Did you get everything out of your system?

Everyone’s just [sad and confused] to see you [leave]

Did you have fun? Did you get everything out of your system?

“Steven! You’re making Pearl very upset.”

“No — I’m very upset!”

“Space! You’re making [everyone] very [sad and confused].”

“No — I’m [sad and confused]!”

‘Maybe we should just forget this ever happened!’

Maybe— maybe I should just forget this ever happened! Eehee hee hee, oo hoo hoo hoo, what a plan!

‘[They’re all really sad and confused about why you left].’

Maybe— maybe I[‘m really sad and confused about why I left]! Eehehee hee, oo hoo hoo, what a plan!

The internet suddenly, unexpectedly came back and I’m not ready for this.

It’s like having cocaine in my house.

Maybe I should just do what I was doing? Have no wifi on computer and use mobile data so that there’s an actual cost, which makes me ration out my internet usage?

Use more books and offline recources rather than constant connection? I think that could be good.

I found the ‘you can’t convince people’ thing. The reason why I just asked out the person I liked unceremoniously:

Cooperate not control. If other people have compatible values, they want to cooperate with you too. If they are adequate, you can’t manipulate their values, and you gain nothing by trying.

From the amazing post Superhuman Meta Processes

2021-05-23

I really like doing SuperMemo. I’m doing 2 hours SM challenge today, and all the learning is really invigorating and revitalising.

I haven’t needed to check WhatsApp 2000 times a day.

I’ve been very tired, very very tired, but this has only hindered SuperMemo in that sometimes I need to squint more to understand a passage, and sometimes it’s a little more difficult.

I am all powerful and extremely tired.

How do I send this message to all future me’s?

But MAN I really do have infinite entertainment, infinity things to learn sans wifi here in my SuperMemo collection.

All this learning, I feel like I don’t need friends. I have been on call for like 3.5 hours today so that probably plays a huge bit.

SuperMemo is a really good light to my life. I like it.

I met someone super pretty and cool yesterday and she vanished.

Well, i had to go.

I’m going to tell them. I’m gonna tell them everything.

I’m going to feel, I’m going to feel everything.

I’m never going to lie to myself about how I feel again.

I’m never going to say an emotion isn’t valid, I’m going to edit reality first.

I’m going to be a reality changing machine.

Letting yourself feel your emotions is SO gratifying.

(See problem solving -> truth and happiness)

(Well, maybe not never. But it’s the defiance that matters.)

The ‘Love Yourself’ stuff does feel like Advanced Self Deception

I got a job!

I will be free from the constraints of money!

If you want to help me more, donate to my Patreon.

It does feel a little not perfect but pretty great! All you have to do is ask.

I’m gonna play white noise through my sleep mask.

What I want to do is render a website like Chris Lakin’s but from md files and it has a sidebar on the side using the same file structure.

I copied

2021-05-22

You can’t rely on women. You can’t rely on anyone. That’s what I learned today when I had to make my own sandwich.

This captures my current mood. The women part is irrelevant, but the tone, and the widening of distrust. That’s how I feel.

I’ve been cancelled on for like the millionth time today. I was so excited for today, and poof. Gone.

I was expecting two things to happen today. Both gone. Poof.

It’s really painful, I really don’t like it.

Stop cancelling on me!

I’m angry.

You can’t keep doing this!

You can’t [agreeing to come to events], and then [CANCELLING saying your parents didn’t let you] like that makes it OK

You need to be better.

It’s not the [reason 1], or the [reason 2], or any of the [reason 3] or [reason 4].

It’s you. Okay, x?

It’s you.

I want my friends to acknowledge my emotions and adjust accordingly.

When friend says they can’t come for x reason and I try to work around it using y solution, you can’t get annoyed unless you originally lied to me about x reason. If the real reason was that you just changed your mind or didn’t wanna come that much then fine.

Where are the people who want to hang out with me? Who are desperate to see and talk to me?

What does it take to just find a room where people are happy when you walk in, waiting for you?

That’s all that I want.

One of the most painful things that happened to me was when I was cycling home as fast as I could from a nice time alone in a park, thinking and writing, and I was going to be late to a scheduled group call. On the frantic cycle home I fully embraced in my imagination the joy of joining a call, of interrupting the two’s chatter as they smiled and said ‘hello!’, grateful for my presence, and I would explain and apologise for my lateness, and we would all talk merrily.

Of course, no one was there.

:( :(

It really, really stung. Makes you feel unwanted, unneeded.

Stop lying to me! Don’t tell me any lies ever! EVER!

// I liked being at school, despite it all, because of the sheer density of effortless interactions with other human beings. I was planning how I’m going to keep that up come holiday. I was thinking, I was sure I’d be ready in a month’s time when I expected school to end. When they said it was likely to end.

But of course, school ended sporadically on the 10th of May, and I wasn’t ready. And now I’m alone, I’m all alone.

Call me! Text me! Ask me to call!

Need me! Depend on me! Ask for me! Talk about me!

Pleeeeaaase.

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Once upon a time a friend said ‘isn’t stoicism about putting your emotions in the backseat?’ and I was annoyed at him because I thought he was repeatedly purposefully misunderstanding the philosophy which had been tremendously useful to me and wanting to disprove it despite being miserable himself. I thought he was jealous, so I discounted him.

But he was right, so much of it is emotional suppression. Putting your emotions in the back seat.

Sorry, J.

It doesn’t feel good. Emotional suppression is like supressing a yawn: if your goal is to do it then you’ll get the satisfaction of doing it, but the tiny distaste and discomfort remain.

Some people can benefit from taking their emotions more seriously. Some can benefit from taking them less seriously.

The purpose of ‘Four Scope Expansions’ is to zoom out, and to feel less important so your emotions are naturally less intense. But the reason why, beneath all the suffering, emotions like anger and sadness feel sickly sweet and the reason I don’t want to let them go is because they tell you you’re important! To deny your emotions is to deny your own importance! And that feels bad. Humans like to feel important. I want to feel important. I think… I think I need it.

:(

So I’m sad and angry and disappointed because I feel important, and I’ll keep feeling that. The fuck are you going to do?

Also, do all those friends who we made amazing plans with, do they not need to hang out with people too? Are they not lonely?

No, they aren’t because they have Instagram and Snapchat and TikTok to scroll through literally endlessly.

Don’t stop [scrolling]!

Nothing’s certain [not even] the curtain!

It’s scary to me considering that I could just be sad and lonely forever.

By the time you read this, I’ll have an internet connection again.

Complexity is bad, change is bad, choices are bad.

I need to make it effortlessly trivial to set up all the good things.

I also still want more light in my life. Maybe I should read more of the wishy-washy alicorn stuff about that, now.

I also want to know Eliezer Yud kowsky’s opinions on philosophy and emotional regualtion

-—

Some hours later, still looking at the rationalist stuff in my collection:

But this is not how de­ci­sion the­ory works—the “ra­tio­nal” strat­egy adapts to the other play­ers’ strate­gies, it does not de­pend on the other play­ers be­ing ra­tio­nal. If a ra­tio­nal agent be­lieves the other play­ers are ir­ra­tional then it takes that ex­pec­ta­tion into ac­count in max­i­miz­ing ex­pected util­ity. Van Vogt got this one right: his ra­tio­nal­ist pro­tag­o­nists are formidable from ac­cept­ing re­al­ity swiftly and adapt­ing to it swiftly, with­out re­luc­tance or at­tach­ment.

Hmm…

2021-05-21

Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry, and we will do anything to alleviate that pain!

To someone who can’t say no, every choice is an info hazard. Boundaries drive diversity, beware blending.

Having a lot of fun writing religion post. I feel really serious about it and the take inspiration seriously lesson is applying itself.

I’m going to interview two people today.

One person cancelled.

It seems to not make much difference to my internal parameters whether someone says they can no longer do something they said because they are forced to or because they no longer want to.

It feels vacuous none the less. When I agree to something, my entire thoughts about that day exist around that event. I have so many parallel imaginations about what it will be like, and to have them all just suddenly not be true is vacuous.

Is this how other people feel? (Tell me.)

I will destroy you and everyone you love

It’s windy. Not great interview weather.

I have no WIFI and I am very much free because of it, but also there are things I should do.

I wish I could go to the meditation retreat but I can’t because not 18.

There are two things people want me to do.

DO ONLY WHAT YOU WANT. EVERYTHING ELSE IS A BUG. EVERY BUG IS CRITICAL.

I want to be moving.

I want to be talking to someone, maybe. In an hour I should be.

And I have never died.

Star vs The Forces of Evil ending spoilers below

At the end of *Star vs the Forces of Evil* Star erases all the magic from the universe, killing an untold amount of magical creatures. I didn't love the end of that show, I don't think most people did.

I can empathise more now with people who hate the ending of TV shows, or when TV shows get bad, because they can’t rewatch stuff. I am very lucky that I get to enjoy rewatching stuff and I want to be more empathetic for people who can’t.

For me, I’ve watched enough things now at years old to never have to watch anything new again and have enough entertainment to last the rest of my life.

There are so many good films, shows, movies and books, I never need to consume anything new.

Oh! Speaking of which: I have no internet now, right? By the time you see this, I’ll probably have WIFI again because I’m not going to use my mobile data just to upload this (you’re probably reading this weeks or months or years after May 2021, really. Or not at all.)

Anyway I was think: I bet I have YEARS of entertainment on this laptop’s SSD alone with just SuperMemo + Typora, because SuperMemo holds thousands of articles which I’d be godlike if I read and remembered all of them, and Typora because it has all my articles and I can still add more and edit. I could create an outline of my entire philosophy, make every article here perfect. I also have Tools of Titans, some of the best advice from some of the best people alive today. I could also make a perfect wiki of every concept I know in obsidian, if I wanted to. But I don’t now so I won’t.

We lost electricity twice in the last couple months so I’m actually not too fussed about not having WIFI, it’s not having electricity that’s rough. It’s not being able to charge phone or laptop that’s rough. There’s so much more I can do with laptop with electricity then dead piece of metal it’s staggering.

If you give a baby a hammer it will say ‘Nice’. If you let a baby bang in screws with rocks though first and give it a hammer, it will say ‘OH MY GOD THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER THANK YOU THIS IS THE BEST INVENTION EVER’.

We don’t spend enough time in the toolless phase to fully appreciate the tools. This is why gen z is somewhat doomed.

Ha! Boom baby!

I can hear my mother being very chatty and friendly right now, downstairs. The WIFI’s out. Coincidence? I think not.

2021-05-20

Sources tell us that Doofenshmirtz is rotfl. We don’t really know what it means but it sounds sinister.

Today I slept in till about 11am again.

My internet is gone. This will make the digital minimalism much easier. It’s much harder to waste time without internet, almost everything offline on my computer is useful.

I just about got this downloaded backup onto my computer so I can edit in Typora. Thank you Artyom, thank you Chris Lakin, thank you Sock.

Since no internet, I should go and talk to eople. Unsure excactly why but scared to call or talk to people.

There really is lots of world out there. London is so dense, I found an entirely new open area just yesterday. Two, in fact. I found a passage directly into the River Thames.

No one was reading these before, but now they’re offline there’s no possibility anyone will read them.

Is that freeing, or caging?

I have so many things downloaded offline. Not a tonne, but enough. And I have mobile data. And I have stuff to do. I’ll be good. The last thing I need though is people. You go insane without them. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.

The most god-like person I personally know, Collisteru, says that he became god like through iteration and through writing. He has a massive personal wiki. I’ve forgotten excactly what sorts of things are written in there, but they sound dangerous.

You should’ve shattered me back then. At least if I was in pieces I wouldn’t have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn’t even tell ‘em.

The brightest light will win. I think

And I shall wear a hat indoors.

 is [adding things quickly to the original Daily Notes without it ] still working just fine? Man being offline… it’s so much better. I like it much more. I don’t think I’m gonna keep using Brick. Sorry Artyom, Andrey, I really like your product! I might use brick every once in a while for super quick things to link to people, but figure out how to push this to github for my main blog.

 

2021-05-19

Take me to Gary, I wanna be with Gary

I am sulky and tired today.

I’m really worried the Love Yourself vow didn’t work. I really want it to work, I really want my brain to be on my side.

It’s impossible for me to distinguish between weather I’m actually happier when I have energy or if it’s just the dopamine release from caffeine. I hope it’s the latter, I don’t want to be dependant on caffeine for energy happiness*.

I want the day to not be a failure. I don’t want to be sad.

And yet I want to cry.

I want to feel pain, I want to run as fast as I can without having to go outside, I want to learn how to make brick.do with React in a day without having to do any excercises, without a microsecond of confusion.

I want to be free and rich, like all my friends.

I want to find myself in the middle of reading, without having to pick up a book.

I want to find myself in the middle of a SuperMemo session, without ever having to begin.

I want to be, I don’t want to do.

Take me to Gary I wanna be with Gary

I want light to penetrate all the crevices of my life.

I despise my mother, yet again.

All of it was destined. All of it is destined. All of your thoughts, every single event, every single friend and every single one of their thoughts, ever.

Your events are indistinguishable from you, really, and yet entirely separate. Which frame is more useful?

All these episodes you believe to be chance or luck — written into the stars before you were born, just like your future. Baked into the mantel of the world’s story is every choice you will ever make.

Already decided, already destined.

You’re not a living acting being — not really — no, reality flows through you.

This isn’t a TV show, there’s no guarantee any characters you see in season one will pop back up in the series finale. Most just go, forever.

There are seven billion of us, more than you could ever meet.

Take me to Gary, I wanna be with Gary!

Isn’t it weird how Morty has no friends? None. The only person his age he cares about is his love interest, Jessica.

It’s because his life is a story, and in the story the only person he needs to talk to is Rick, because that’s who he plays off of best.

Summer, who’s role is to be a normal teenage girl, does have friends.

There are no roles, out here in reality.

How could I refuse after all you’ve done to blackmail me?

~ Rick to Morty

Notice how Rick basically has to bend to Morty’s will whenever he brings up Beth, and how Rick cares so much about his relationship with her and staying in his daughter’s life?

He has to, orelse he’d be immune to caring about anything, and he wouldn’t be a compelling character.

In reality, the smartest man in the universe could take out a Jerry in minutes (unless everyone in the Rick and Morty universe is just really dumb).

Same with Saiki K, in the anime The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. He has to care deeply about coffee jelly so that his story is compelling.

In reality, he could just not care about it and be free from caring about ANYTHING, but that would be borning, so he has to perform.

Don’t stop dancing!

Nothing’s certain but the certain

Rick and Morty vs Phineas and Ferb vs Futurama

Sing me a song, oh Piano Man!

I’m not really sure how it goes

But it’s short and it’s sweet, and I knew it complete

When I wore a younger man’s clothes

All my WhatsApp images uploaded to my google photos. That’s like 500 images to delete, and I don’t know how to mass delete them.

This annoys me.

Someone told me a secret today, and I don’t like secrets.

I asked if I could tell our mutual friends and they said no.

I think they thought telling me the secret was considerate, and maybe it was because it meant they trust me or wanted to signal that trust, but it wasn’t meta-considerate. I am now different, internally, then what my friends think I am. With each extra degree of distance added through secrecy and dishonesty I become more distant, more alone.

No secrets of your own! Am I the only one who gets this?

Stop keeping secrets! They’re pointless and only hurt you and the people around you!

What if I just override their desire? What if I said ‘you forced this apon me without giving me a choice, I cannot choose to unknow. In this you have distanced me from our friends, and I love our friends. I must tell our friends’.

Then I wouldn’t be trusted!

Shedding my skin.

And all that petty baggage

Shedding my skin.

I’m free

I could just write forever, you know.

Writing isn’t bad, because I’m creating useful, interesting things for future me to consider. And it’s effortless. The words just flow through me and I know how to touch time type because I’m not a cocky prick.

Yeah I said it, what are you gonna do, not pay your taxes cancel me?

Go ahead!

Just do it

~ Bismuth, Steven Universe

twitter.com/naval

sive.rs/h

lesswrong.com

that pretty much

covers it you know

chrislakin.com

Go to all these urls and tell me what they say, yeah?

You should’ve shattered me back then.

At least if I was in pieces I wouldn’t have to know how little I mattered to you.

You didn’t even tell em.

You bubbled me away and you didn’t even tell your friends — my friends.

“I’m gonna tell them. I’m gonna tell them everything.”

Then you really are better than her.

My brother was being really rational yesterday and arguing well and I was proud.

He is 8.

I thought my internet was blocked all day but it wasn’t so I instantly open discord and went to a thousand tabs all day, feeling very lathargic.

At about 17:30 I went outside for a bike ride, with the intent to find a bigger loop journey, one I could take that’s practically a full circle so I don’t have to think.

I feel monumentally better now at 21:00. I felt very good.

The first half of the journey was punctuated by some ‘I’m alone, I’m all alone’ and many more ‘take me to Gary, I wanna be with Gary’ s. Why the latter quote? There’s no one I’m desperate to be with, especially not any Garys.

It’s the desperation.

2021-05-18

All the moonmen want things their way, but we make sure they see the sun.

Yesterday, listing everything I was holding against myself, I realised a startling pattern: there were so many more regrets over the things I didn’t do than the things I did, so so many nevers and nots.

Something snapped inside me, and I wrote this out in my notes:

I like you a lot and wanted you to know that. I have a crush on you. Do you want to date?

If *does* like me, then ', I have a crush on you' should suffice.

I’m not allowed to know if likes me. That's not for me to decide.

So after weeks of deliberation and paralysation, I opened up Instagram and typed ‘ I have a crush on you' and pressed enter.

On Instagram browser you can’t delete things, see.

I was free then from the secret, and my heart rate was quadroopling, but it didn’t matter. I sent a voice note expanding on how I felt, sent it, then got into bed.

All night my heart rate was high, and my dreams were swirls of all the reasons why my message wouldn’t be understood. Of how Instagram would distort my words for some reason.

What matters is though: I succeeded. Before I read her reply the next morning, before she even pulled out her first finger to begin typing a response, before she even saw the message.

I had succeeded because I sent it, because I did it. I was largely indifferent to her actions: she was free to say whatever she thought best, and I was free to be okay in both realities.

I was indifferent to the outside world, accountable only to myself.

For once, not being jerked like a puppet.

I understand how it’s really important to have light in your life instead of just batting away the darkness. Getting rid of the darkness just leaves a void.

Today I listened to music for an hour after waking up, and it was glorious. In outside reality an hour passed but between my two earbuds my universe skipped through it in one emotional glorious journey of a second.

I feel like I travelled through time in three ways: first, just how quickly the entire thing felt. I thought it was going to be difficult and I’d be begging for it to end but it was so thoroughly pleasantly stimulating it passed really quickly.

Secondly, through my own history. I have 23 hours of music on my main playlist now, the first song being added in 2019. I relived many memories from 2019, many glorious wonderous things that made up my life.

Third, through the world’s history. Particularly the song Piano Man inspired this inside me, feeling like I was properly in an 1800’s bar experiencing these men’s stories.

I have this feeling that all my friends, Raj, Dagem, Daniel, Pluto, Minnat, Leo, Jake — they’re all fake somehow. Coincidental in being in my life, but not intertwined to my experience of being me. Like I could wake up and they’d all be gone and I’d say ‘oh yeah, that was obviously a dream’ then continue with my life.

I love them very, very deeply though. They just don’t feel real. Like a rosta of characters from a TV show.

The brightest light will dominate.

I’m losing internet soon, again. The person in control of my life is horrific at managing money spending, and I am effected by that.

Happened the Christmas before last.

She says she won’t use her mobile data though, like I’ve seen her do every time before.

I’ve seen her tell many blatant lies before though, and fully expect me to take part in them.

Lying is disgusting, and the self deception needed to excuse a lie is disgusting.

To deceive another, you first need to deceive yourself.

I didn’t learn any React today. I’m tired and annoyed, but I vowed to love myself. If I loved myself truly and deeply, what would I do?

If I loved myself truly and deeply, what would I do?

[Future me 2022-01-10: The first answer is “I’d learn react” but the first answer is often wrong. What I’d really do is be kind and understanding to myself. But I’m glad I learned react. Hmm,… future me, help out? ]

If I didn’t fear my brain, what would I do?

2021-05-18

All the moonmen want things their way, but we make sure they see the sun.

Yesterday, listing everything I was holding against myself, I realised a startling pattern: there were so many more regrets over the things I didn’t do than the things I did, so so many nevers and nots. 

 

 

2021-05-17

Shedding my skin, and all that petty baggage. Shedding my skin, I’m free.

Today was the day I learned to love myself.

The Day I Chose To Love Myself

 

 

2021-05-16

> If you like to wonder why, Tinga Tinga is the land of whys

Today I had a really in depth discussion about capitalism and manged to just build and to head on head with each idea my incredibly clever friend brought up, neither of us ever losing the plot of being unable to swiftly resolve a confusion, both admitting thoroughly when we didn’t know something or when the other had changed our minds.

It was one of most fun, most intellectually stimulating conversations I’d had in a while.

You say these things so that you yourself are free. It’s largely about you.

I was also interviewed the other day. My name (or the name of my body) is Space.

I chose not to talk about school in the interview. I don’t want to be a caricature.

No matter what you’re told, we have to clean the mould.

I don’t want my personality to be reduced to one thing.

 

2021-05-15

They are exactly like us except they look out of different eye holes.

I went on an adventure today and it was really fun.

I expressed a preference strongly today and with it I single handedly wrenched two people’s subjective reality down two totally different paths for two combined hours and I’m proud.

 

2021-05-14

I am all powerful but and extremely tired.

Eid’s over, isn’t it. Isn’t it. Isn’t Eid over. Eid’s over isn’t it, isn’t it, isn’t Eid over.

My l key is screwy.

I’m having another good morning. Showered, meditated, ran, ate, wrote. Perfect order.

I also listened to my brother speak about his horrid school.

Still reading ‘digital minimalism’, it’s a really good book. Yesterday I went to the library to pick up a book (Running the Risk by Ali Sparkes) but the library was closed because it was Eid, so I went on a long walk instead. On the way I saw a lampost where a child who went to my school was recently murdered. 

I wonder what the final thoughts he had before his death were. 

“Maybe we should just forget this ever happened”. Maybe— maybe I should just forget this ever happened! Hee hee hoo, hahaha, hooo hoo hoo, what a plan.

“I’m dying. I’m never going to experience anything ever again”

The world is quiet here.

I wish I had spent less time in school”?

A whole new world of possibilities

I wish I asked out that girl I liked”?

It’s coming home.

“It’s okay, I’ll soon see god”?

Father!

“I wish I had been a better Muslim.”

As for that little game of yours, thank the stars it’s over.

Did you have fun? Did you get everything out of your system?

Or was he just looping the Shahada in his head a thousand times? Praying for his sins to be forgiven before it was too late?

“There is no god but Allah and Mohammed is his final messanger. There is no god but Allah and Mohammed is his final messanger.”

Everyone’s just thrilled to see you safe and sound.

The child who was murdered was almost definitely Muslim, given his name and given how few people change their religion. He was probably fasting.

What does it mean to other Muslims for their fellow Muslim to fast then to be murdered, during ramadan? 

Do they secretly believe he was bad, and deserved death? Or do they actually think it was a tragedy? What do the inside of their heads look like?

I think the child died protecting his friend from being robbed. 

Did he die happy, knowing he had done good? Knowing he was something of a hero?

Memento Mori, said the snow. It’s snowing now. Not in an hour, not tomorrow, but now. If you’re going to play in the snow, play in the snow now.

I think I recognised his picture.

I think his older sister was in my Spanish class. 

What does it mean for your brother to die?

I want my cluster, and I want that planet to die. Just make that happen.

Let us study as if we will live forever,

Let us live as if we were to die today.

— 

The other day I spontaneously called a friend I hadn’t called in over 6 months.

It went really well, it was very fun.

It was very easy to talk to her. Very easy. 

It was curious how she was very curious and interested in many of the things I’d mention, often excitedly saying ‘show me’, but had not previously come across these things herself. Why? 

I showed her, you, this very blog, this very page. So you may be reading this. If so, hello! Check out anchor.fm/daylightismine

How do you measure, measure a life

How about, mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooney

How about, moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooney

How about, mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooney

Meausure in funds

Seasons of fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunds

Seasons of fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunds

Time is money, that’s how we trade these things.

All times are portions of a deathly finite lifetime.

We trade in lifetimes.

You get more money, you get more of your life to do what you want in it.

I’ve meditated for 1.5 hours over the last three days. That separation from myself is coming back. That peace from letting myself take the wheel, while I simply sit back and curiously watch, reaping the rewards. 

I’m really classy, I’ve noticed that.

I like myself’s voice.

I like how he uses eye contact.

— 

I’m struggling in making the days past the morning’s useful since what I want to do is get good at coding, I want to be able to make a brick.do, but I don’t know where to start!

I have a bunch of notes from the brick call in my scribble.txt (see Tech -> My Notepad Tasklist System

 

 

 

2021-05-13

He ought to be tied up and never released!

Yesterday I woke up proper around 11am and this was rather shocking to me, the latest I’ve woken up in a long long time. So today I got up at about 8, and am currently writing this at 09:40 am. What have I been doing for the last hour and forty minutes, you ask?

First, I read some of Cal Newport’s Digital Minimalism. This was very ironic, as I was reading the part about solitude, and the importance of separation from other minds.

I think my daily notes yesterday were so fun and great because I had had that unbroken separation.

I made a lot of online friends last year, and the good things about online friends is that your relationship can only really consist of video calls, otherwise it’s not really proper friendship. There’s no casual forced togetherness like schoolfriends, with other calls being just maintence. No, calls are the relationship. As such it’s easier to video call online friends. 

I find it easier to maintain friendships with my online friends because calls are the relationship, there’s no forced casual interaction like in school setting — if we don’t call, the relationship just dies. But with school friends, calls are weird and off-putting.

Maybe cos they’re gen z ( iGen) and they don’t realise texts don’t constitute a relationship.

I want to send digital minimalism to my friends so that they want to call more. I want to share with them the cognitive patterns in my mind that texting isn’t satisfactory for the health of the friendship or for their own social requirements, and I don’t get why they’re sad when school ends. why not call? They are your friends, no?

— 

Then I showered — I’m showering in the mornings now and it’s wonderful, no more worrying about a massive task each evening like showering, no more starting the day in pyjamas for who knows how long, thank you for that idea xorander — and then I mediated for half an hour. Then I went for a jog, then I ate (while watching a squirrel scratch its genitals) and now I’m writing.

— 

It’s coming home. It’s coming home. It’s coming — footballs coming home.

When I began to go on the jog this song played in my head, then I began to sing it out loud then I smiled as though I hadn’t bee allowed to before, and I was happy. 

Tired, but happy.

Most important realistion of the year, ladies and gentlemen: you don’t need to be alert to be happy. 

Reality belongs to us. 

Reality belongs to you!

— 

[Made into own post]

Habit formation is hard and always seems to fail so my expectancy is low.

BUT i think I’ve actually probably formed a lot! I just don’t see the ones that I successfully form as habits, eg. saying thank you a lot, rapidly telling the truth about things and speaking plainly, leaning towards the edge of always doing things, thinking ‘death, space, solipsism, sonder’ whenever I’m sad, not using phone in bed, all sorts.

They don’t’ feel like habits, though, because they’re natural.

So perhaps you should just entirely stop trying to form habits. 

As Naval said: whenever you’re trying to practice something, to repeat something, it’s always difficult, there’s always going to be a gap, you’re always going to be doing it for the sake of routine rather than for the intrinsic value of the things.

Still, nav.al/truth is one of the best essays I’ve ever read.

ALL of self improvement is asking the question: how do i make myself do <thing which [system 1] doesn’t really want to do>? 

Use stories. Use realities. 

Or stop trying, and let it come naturally. 

My two nicest mornings in a long time, today and yesterday, have come from non-doing. Have come from letting what I want to do most flood through me.

I would also say, reassess your constraints. Why do you want to force yourself to do x?

— 

People go to horrific lengths to quote, they should stop quoting. Looking at you, Cal Newport (badass name), Eliezer Yudkowsky (badass name). Digital Minimalism is just 90% quotes. At first I thought it was scholarly, but now it’s just annoying.

Experts are annoying because they sacrifice their happiness for the rest of us. 

Same with people who want social change, I think. If we were all Buddhas, we’d all be super happy but nothing would change. Maybe I should just do my thing and seek after what I find to be good (peace) and let my friends get worked up trying to change things, because they will keep changing things and keep making a better world for me and humanity to live in that i benefit from.

They sacfice their happiness for the rest of us, don’t stop that.

I think it’s only bad if they don’t realise it’s a sacrifce though.

— 

Another friend of mine is gay.

— 

I’m losing upper body muscle mass because I stopped working out. But running is nice, I’m going to run on the sand now. 

See how easy it is to live a good life? Do just x, and not even the gods can ask more of you.

— 

Last night was a good night where my head hit the pillow and a subjective zero seconds later it was morning. Dreams are really strong evidence that it’s possible this reality isn’t real since we believe the dreams are very real. 

I dreamed that I was part of a heist, and right when I was supposed to start leaving some guy came to beat me up. At first me and my partner thought he wasn’t gonna, but then he did. Me and my partner managed to get him to the ground, and I was on my bike while my partner could just run and I needed some extra time to move my bike, so I ran to my bike and rode as fast as I could away through the twisting residential area. 

I saw a girl on the way and asked her something I have never asked a girl before, justifying it by the fact that this was a random girl in a random residential area and I’d never see her again for the rest of my life. It was super exciting  and super scary and super nerve wracking. She said no, so I kept riding.

Then I met up with a bunch of other people, I had to sit with the ‘failed heist’ gang. 

The girl was there, and I was super embarrassed. I tried to not look at her, and I didn’t.

— 

I had another dream there was a clubhouse, and then I was late to lineup in school, and then there were a bunch of puppies the size of baby mice walking around and if you stepped on them you would kill them.

— 

I know you think I was torturing you

~ My english teacher in her goodbye message

— 

Meditation.

Is it bad to write about your meditation? i think so. I think if I know that I will write about each practice, I will start thinking about what I’m going to write about each practice while I’m still in the practice, like when I script jokes while I’m drying my hands. 

My hands were so big when I finished meditation though. They looked so huge, and then I smiled because I was in control of them. And then I thought about how they are so hillariously small, and then i chuckled.

Laugher can be for you, to you. It’s not necessarily just social. Your voice, too, can be used for just you. Thesee things we think that are for others, but they’re not. 

— 

With reading, you can have one way conversations with people who lived thousands of years ago. 

With writing, you can send one way messages to people who may live thousands of years into the future.

If I die, please write the acronym of ‘Lots Of Love’ all over my gravestone. And download the contents of both my blogs and put them somewhere permeant, please. If not both, then just squid.brick.do (this blog’s current domain).

Apart from that don’t worry about me too much, or convert any guilt or remorse into something useful. But don’t convert the guilt into more guilt.

— 

I feel like I understand very much why adults don’t care about ending school, I am becoming more apathetic each day to the abstract, far away suffering of the millions of teens still trapped in even just my school. All the teachers are super nice and respectful on the last day, it’s really really screwy to how you think about it.

— 

There was a rock in my shoe, and my brain said: be glad that it’s just a rock, not a part of you. You can get rid of it. Be glad that you know the exact steps to get rid of it, if you want to solve this problem you can, easily.

Then I smiled, then I took the rock out of my shoe.

— 

I have enough friends to call all the time, I think. They may not be perfect individuals but for maintaining my sanity I think it’s good to not be picky with who I call. I like the idea of being much more spontaneous with calls, not to have one dragging over my head. Must tell 

<tell what?> 

— 

Don’t seek competence for the sake of seeking competence.

I think some company is overdue!

I’ve started talking to the pictures of the walls!

War and glory, reinvention

Fusion, freedom, her attention

Out in daylight my potential

Bold, precise, experimental

 

2021-05-12

Yeah Yeah I’ve got a couple things to say.

Amambkbk

You won’t believe my morning. 

It’s been rather perfect, I’ve been properly awake for around two hours now and I’ve done everything perfect.

First I showered, then I meditated, then I went for a run, then I ate with silence, and now I’m writing.

Hygiene, mental health, physical health and peace-making.

Isn’t that beautiful? 

My school ended on Monday very suddenly, after our last exam.

I am now a completely free individual until September 1st, that’s four months to do whatever I want, and three months to do them alone, before summer starts for everyone else.

I wish to use them well.

Some of my friends intend to get part time jobs. I am reluctant to do this due to Naval’s ‘You’re not going to get rich renting out your time’. I think my time could be better put to use learning how to program very quickly. I know the means on how to do this, and I am free now. I should also put this into place.

I would also like to have a lot of fun, and speak to a lot of people. I now have mobile data again. I really like this country, and I really like how much mobile data I have.

— 

Something I can’t resolve is the difference between Eliezer Yudkowsky’s set of morals and the stoic’s, such as Marcus Aurelius and Epictitus. I’ve been told that in the stoic’s time there was a lot less they could do to change the world, and this is true. But still, when choosing your morale code, you should want truth right?

There’s a balance between the ‘all models are wrong but some are useful’

— 

In darkness, don’t fight it. You can’t win. Just turn on the nearest light.

I took a lot of caffeine during exams and it worked basically completely perfectly, and I’m still very proud of myself for enacting that plan exactly in time and putting it into action. I had been tolerant to 200mg caffeine and I had 2 weeks to lose tolerance then skilfully use it on exam days for full energy, and I did it.

Now I will cycle off for another two weeks, then maybe take it every three days or something.

— 

I’m really peaceful right now. Just typing, in a quiet room.

Nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to check, no one to be, nothing to perform. 

Peace. Not having to do anything.

Soon I’ll need to do things again, I’ll be forced by the economy to spend my life to be useful to others. This is what I’m fighting to avoid. I want to always be free, like I am now.

And what I’ll do with my freedom is help others, the very real people who don’t have a spare eight pounds to go and buy universal connection to the internet wherever they are whenever they want.

I’m so lucky, and my brain is telling me this all the time. I think a measure of success is how many times throughout the day you smile unprompted just thinking about your life.

— 

I got into an argument / discussion with some of my friends the other day. I felt very weird during it. I was interested in it, but I guess a part of me was thinking ‘arguments are useless arguments are useless’? It was an entirely theoretical argument not concerning us.

What is the point of argument? 

Was a part of me worried the entire time that any one of the four people involved would’ve went ‘I don’t wanna talk about this anymore’.

I’m very concerned with truth and with the thoughts in my head being true. I think this will 

— 

I’ve been reading Cal Newport’s Digital Minimalism. Conversation > Connection. Conversation is what we are made for. Conversation involving voice. Anything less than voice isn’t true conversation, and isn’t making you any happier or really satisfying any social needs.

IRL is of course the best. 

Yesterday, for the entire day, I felt horrifically exhausted, and this was to be expected as I had a bad night the night prior. I was in a text conversation, but even that didn’t invigorate me. 

What did release an untapped reserve of 2,338,838,255,300 KILAjoules of energy inside me was the moment I went on call.

Calls are real. Conversations are real. Anything less than that isn’t, and this is made overt by energy. 

I’m gonna interview a bunch of people, gotta streamline my interview questions. Here’s their current iteration: 

Actually maybe I shouldn’t show it so the interview is more exciting, not knowing what’s coming next. But here’s a sneak peak at a question that you won’t find anywhere else, not even in my interview. That’s how secret it is:

What is the biggest thing in the world?

A mountain? A sky? A windmi—

No.

 

— 

Sacrificing yourself for jokes. (is swearing bad?). In The Enchiridion, it says you should be careful about becoming a comedian because it will encourage you to be vulgar and go against your values in order to get a laugh. 

I can understand this, given as I’ve been making jokes about suicide more often since being explicitly told they are very socially acceptable in the group I’m in.

I have started to check what comes out of mouth more, and censored myself from saying one or two not very funny or great jokes.

Oh you said you’re interested in what I have to say even though I haven’t said anything yet that’s so kind that means I have a high hit rate of saying interest things so far how flattering anyway—

 

me: starts fiddling with hands

her: starts fiddling with hands

Are you copying my body language to get me to like you?

 

I don’t know why everyone is so sad about us leaving it’s not like there’s not ways to meet up with others we could all rent out a room and meet their everyday like in the 2006 critically acclaimed Disney show ‘Mickey Mouse Clubhouse’ walks off

 

It’s so easy to be really funny and it’s so fun, and there’s nothing nicer than making other people happy through laughter (apart from maybe saying something you think is true that is scary and being socially rewarded for it).

I honestly think that life is just setting up comedy for you. Some things that are outside of my control just end up being so funny and so perfectly comedically timed it feels just like I’m in a sitcom.

It’s like, the whole universe is working for me.

I do think being positively inclined about these things is good for you.

I do also think you should chill with the joke density every once in a while, particularly if you’re absolutely killing it or absolutely squandering it.

I should probably warrant more respect for myself.

Derek Siver’s note taking system is useless. Knowing that you made a realisation before isn’t useful, you need to SRS that stuff and keep knowing it. Not regress and then chuckle when you notice you’ve regressed like that’s the system working correctly.

Collisteru’s one seems very useful.

It’s rather sad seeing  how many hurdles people have to blogging that I just never did because I never considered it. 12 year old me never considered that I didn’t have interesting things to say and share, or that that was something I had to require to start blogging, or that it was hard or not worth it. 

[[Self-doubt is an infohazard, and is entirely social.]]

I just did it, and my life is still better for it.

Being other people seems hard and sad and scary.

I love myself.

But life isn’t zero sum (like academia and having a ‘high’ status). 

Gratitude is zero sum, somewhat. (Or should I say sumwhat yak yak yak) 

 

— 

Meditation. I don’t want to wait for those deep realisations, especially since meditation retreats are free and you don’t need to go to Nepal.

I’m on holiday now so I can do it now. I should organise my tasklist.

FocusMates…

You meet so many cool people on Focusmate. It’s quite a flawless application, in my opinion.

— 

I read about a bad scenario that could take place at the exact dawn of the year 2100 even if everything is fine beforehand. I wonder, will this memory, which I’m learning in 2021, be sticky enough by the year 2100 that I’ll remember it? Can one keep a fear for 79 years?

Or shall I try to send a message 97 years into the future?

(Future me here, from January 2022: I completely forgot about this scenario until I read it. )

— 

I think, after five months, my brain is no longer going to keep saying to me ‘I’m alone, I’m all alone’ even though I finally am. I feel a staleness when I write it now, just like with song lyrics that will consume you for a day then be bland the day after.

Oh man, I don’t think I have any songs playing in my head right now!

Silence!

Anyway I am actually probably the most alone I’ve been in a very long time, no one’s home but me. And what did my brain say?

‘You know, it’s all about me — exactly!’ 

From The Emperor’s New School. 

I think that’s the end of an era.

— 

There is a repeating analogy in my head of ‘the real difference’. Of two things which you think are completely different, actually being part of the same thing and something else being what’s actually different.

Eg. Loving something and hating something may seem like opposites, but they are a part of the same coin of attachment with the real difference being indifference.

Certainty of joy and certainty of pain vs uncertainty (uncertainty is horrible, choices are bad)

Exams were fun because there was certainty in what I had to do, certainty in what I had to desperately work towards.

But now that I’m free…

It’s to be certainly with others or certainly alone that’s fine, if you are uncertain, you’re in a horror film.

But the reason I called, the real reason is… I believe we should terminate the cluster!

 

— 

Documenting one’s life. I have a friend who says they’ve documented almost everything in either their camera role, Instagram or snapchat. They said that they may have a fear of losing their life or forgetting it.

Does Facebook own Snapchat? Can you imagine if Facebook, Disney, Apple and Google merged? There’d be no hope, none at all. If any of these companies buy any of the others, I’ll have to start taking drastic action.

I stopped taking pictures around January, not through some grand purposeful decision but because of some vague buildup of values around the value of being in the present moment, and from a friend who said he doesn’t take pictures (see Social -> Beware Blending).

But taking pictures is super fun!

Going through your life is fun. Deleting photos is SUPER fun.

Of course, there is only the present moment…. 

But all models are wrong and some are useful, so is that one. The past did happen.

Seeing 

— 

I have a crush. You lose some power in liking someone else. 

I think I may very well have been lonely though. Now I have mobile data again I don’t mind calling more people, since going on walks while calling is infinitely better. I think…

You can have adventure in the great white somewhere, you can have adventure more than you can tell.

For just £8

I had an urge to get out notebook and make notes in a type of conversation where I wouldn’t have expected to need to do that.

Once I had a secret admirer. 

Maybe still.

I never found out who it was.

Many people who I wouldn’t have expected wrote ‘I love you’ on my shirt. 

I wish I wrote I Love You on more of people’s others. I have a lot of love to give.

I wish I told people I thought they were smart more often, though I think I did do that and do a lot. I hope they all know that it’s not their job to impress me. That I am extremely flawed, and not the arbiter of anyone else’s worth, no matter how confidently I say so.

I hope I never ruined anyone’s life or self worth. I don’t want that power, I don’t ever want to make anyone else sad (except my brother, sometimes. [[the real rules have no exceptions]], but also [[all models are wrong but some are useful]].

Text is permeant, speaking is transient.

Text isn’t transient.

This writing that I’m doing right now is far more than I would’ve expected and it feels really great, I think it’s because I’m low stimulation with everything else. I haven’t consumed anything else. It’s just me. (I’m alone, it’s all about me — excactly!)

It’s probably scarier to be told ‘You’re not all alone’ then be backed up with ‘excactly!’

— 

 

— 

When school ended, my brain played quite a fair few songs in quick succession. Usually there’s only one or two, so this was quite special. It played:

It’s not about the summer sun, 

It’s not about the things we’ve done

It’s not about the change in the weather

It’s just about the time we spend

With our family and with our friends

It’s just about the time spent together!

It’s just about the time!

Not the weather

It’s just about the time

Spent together!

With you!

 

We could all rethink

How we feel about rose

When it comes to Pink and the things that she did in the past I suppose

Or we could all feel better

Cos we could think about how

We could think about us and we could think about now

A friend cried when they found out the news that school was ending later. I didn’t understand then and I still don’t quite understand now. Why don’t you call the people you wish to stay with? They’re not dying, not really.

(Future me 2022-01-10: if you actually really love the people somewhere I can understand it ending being sad. I only talk to like 2 people from school nowadays, I obviously didn’t have that many really deep relationships like she did. )

In late 2018, halfway through our time in secondary school, probably my best friend moved away and moved school too.

I drifted apart from this friend. My friendship dynamics in school were screwed for a long while after, only just recovering.

I think around the same time, one of my best friends moved to North London, but stayed in the school.

They became one of my closest friends ever and we shared so many experiences, and we are going to the same amazing college so they will be in my life for the foreseeable future. 

I only just realised that if friend 2 had moved away, then my relationship with him would’ve been the same as my relationship with friend 1.

I am now reconnecting with friend 1.

I love her.

We could think about long lost friends we wished we were inviting.

And I am only properly reconnecting with her now, now that I am stronger and wiser and older and chiller and deeply curious about her life and her character.

Say not ‘x-person has changed’.

There are so many smart, beautiful funny people. So many.

Say not ‘x-person is lost’, but say that they have left their religion, because saying they are lost will cloud your thinking.

Reality belongs to us. Reality belongs to you!

We could think about joy!

We could think about pain!

We could think about sunshine

We could think about rain!

There’s an awful lot of awful things we could be thinking of

But for just one day let’s only think about love!

 

— 

What I’m fighting for

Short term goals

 

2021-05-07

I’m not studying that much but am confident. 

Feel sort of aimless without having something to work desperately towards. It’s only noon… what shall I do all day, today?

[Future me (05-21): what did I do that day? I don’t quite remember. I think I may’ve wasted it browsing all day. It looks like I did some SuperMemo. I could also scrabble together some more info from WhatsApp records and Cold Turkey Blocker. I’d say camera roll but I taking many pictures then.

Ah ok yeah, it was a lot of screwing around:

image-20210521123720936

As for SuperMemo:

image-20210521123737768

I’ve barely been doing any SuperMemo!

Look at this! Look at how much learning I did in just Februrary!

image-20210521123916466

What about December!

image-20210521124001171

Ok! It’s decided! For my next extreme challenge it’s going to be 2 hours programming + 2 hours SuperMemo.

I will be GOD. Or… a God. Haha yeah.

But seriously, how to make extreme challenges last?

]

 

2021-05-06

This way of doing the date is fun.

I maybe want an email list, where I can just email people about me and my life.

I want an offline editor.

Today hanging out with friends was not as pizzazzy as usual.

I read something I maybe shouldn’t have and learned a lot 

Someone said ‘I am grateful for all of it’ and I really like that energy.

I have a crush on someone. I am weary in case I am just lonely.

A question - was that longer than four minutes ago?

You should say whatever slurs you want when you’re alone.

 

2021-05-04

I want a place to write thoughts that people respond in. I want attention and validation.

Using your emotions as a compass means you’ll get what you want quicker and more often, but you’ll be more miserable.

I had a “secret” today and it was paralysing. I will come clean tomorrow and will be free again.

[future update: I came clean and it was entirely completely harmless.]

I’m an evergreen tree, that bends in the breeze.

I want a lot of people to be interested in me and what I do and say I think.

In business, the important thoughts will not be thunk and the 

Future me will handle it.


Space L Clottey