No secrets of your own
Epistemic status: there’s an ideal of openeness I’m aiming towards, but not precisely sure what that ideal is. Unironed edge cases.
The more secrets you have, the more bound you are by reality threatening to reveal your secrets. There are no personal problems, you’re not special, keeping secrets makes you feel like your special.
Also it makes you lonely and unhappy.
It also lets you share the experience of being you with others.
You’re not allowed secrets, you don’t need them. Share everything.
You can keep secrets for others though, if they don’t get this one yet.
Though take care of accepting too many other’s secrets. It will be tempting but each one is a burden, a truth you must then pretend forever henceforth to not be motivated by.
There are no personal problems
Everything that’s happened to you has happend to someone in the millions of years of human history between the BILLIONS of humans alive, both inconceivably large numbers. chance of you having unique problem is almost non-existent
Having a crush is not unique and special.
A family member dying is not unique and special.
You get to share being you
The more different you are then what the people who love you think you to be, the more lonely you are because you’re not sharing the experience of being you.
For someone to know and understand you fully is a glorious human feeling and deeply comforting. To keep secrets guards against that.
If you have someone else with which you keep no secrets, the two of you become a sort of superorganism made of two rather than one.
For a while I only had one person who I kept no secrets with, and this was unbelievably fragile and very isolating. If you have multiple people — everyone, to keep no secrets with, you have no barrier to making anyone a close friend.
(The following two are from trying to convince a friend to tell me his secrets. )
More so than the two above though is that if your friend doesn’t tell you their secrets, it feels like they don’t trust you.
“If it feels like I don’t trust you, in sense it’s true because for me to trust you you’d have to be the type of person who wouldn’t change their opinion fo me no matter what I told you”
Ok, well there are two possiblities here:
1) It’s right for me to change my opinion of you based on the new information,.
Which in that case my opinion of you now is based on false / incomplete information and it’s just not true, which is akin to lying .
2) Alternatively, you just don’t trust my ability to change my opinion on someone based on new information, or you think i’ll form an incorrect view
In which case, we can talk about that.
“Really it was a dick move for me to tell you I had secrets and then not tell you what they are”
No! I care about secrets which I don’t know about! Let’s call these “Super Secrets”. This is the danger in mentioning dissatisfaction with someone not telling you their secrets: what you really punish is them telling you they have secrets. If they then say “next time i won’t tell you if I have a secret”, that’s horrible, because now you know that you can never trust if there’s stuff you want to know about them ever again in the future because they just won’t tell you and you know that they won’t. Once they’ve said this, the only way to fix it is to revert it by lying, but if you’re conversational partner already as an axiom of honesty then you’re safe and can keep discussing.
Is there anyone worth being friends with who’ll keep secrets from you?
Deciding to keep super secrets doesn’t matter whether I know of them or not: I want to know them. In this case, I understand caring about reality. I understand why I don’t want to wirehead into erasing that I don’t know about the possibility of their super secrets. The person exists out their in reality, I want to know that person. I want to know you.
Friendships should be freeing, the things which you choose to do in friendships don’t indebt others, and so forth and so on.
Me choosing to be fully open in relationships doesn’t mean the other has to too.
But I still want them to.
And I feel that way anyway. I’m not going to deny that, and I can’t think of any good reason why anyone who wants to be my close friend, should ever keep a secret from me, so I endorse that endorsement..
I don’t like being an open book while the other keeps secrets.