Space L Clottey

No secrets of your own


Epistemic status: there’s an ideal of openeness I’m aiming towards, but not precisely sure what that ideal is. Unironed edge cases.

The more secrets you have, the more bound you are by reality threatening to reveal your secrets. There are no personal problems, you’re not special, keeping secrets makes you feel like your special.

Also it makes you lonely and unhappy.

It also lets you share the experience of being you with others.

You’re not allowed secrets, you don’t need them. Share everything.

You can keep secrets for others though, if they don’t get this one yet.

Though take care of accepting too many other’s secrets. It will be tempting but each one is a burden, a truth you must then pretend forever henceforth to not be motivated by.

There are no personal problems

 Everything that’s happened to you has happend to someone in the millions of years of human history between the BILLIONS of humans alive, both inconceivably large numbers. chance of you having unique problem is almost non-existent

Having a crush is not unique and special.

A family member dying is not unique and special.

You get to share being you

The more different you are then what the people who love you think you to be, the more lonely you are because you’re not sharing the experience of being you.

For someone to know and understand you fully is a glorious human feeling and deeply comforting. To keep secrets guards against that.

If you have someone else with which you keep no secrets, the two of you become a sort of superorganism made of two rather than one.

For a while I only had one person who I kept no secrets with, and this was unbelievably fragile and very isolating. If you have multiple people — everyone, to keep no secrets with, you have no barrier to making anyone a close friend.

(The following two are from trying to convince a friend to tell me his secrets. )


More so than the two above though is that if your friend doesn’t tell you their secrets, it feels like they don’t trust you.

“If it feels like I don’t trust you, in sense it’s true because for me to trust you you’d have to be the type of person who wouldn’t change their opinion fo me no matter what I told you”

Ok, well there are two possiblities here:

1) It’s right for me to change my opinion of you based on the new information,.

Which in that case my opinion of you now is based on false / incomplete information and it’s just not true, which is akin to lying .

2) Alternatively, you just don’t trust my ability to change my opinion on someone based on new information, or you think i’ll form an incorrect view

In which case, we can talk about that.


“Really it was a dick move for me to tell you I had secrets and then not tell you what they are”

No! I care about secrets which I don’t know about! Let’s call these “Super Secrets”. This is the danger in mentioning dissatisfaction with someone not telling you their secrets: what you really punish is them telling you they have secrets. If they then say “next time i won’t tell you if I have a secret”, that’s horrible, because now you know that you can never trust if there’s stuff you want to know about them ever again in the future because they just won’t tell you and you know that they won’t. Once they’ve said this, the only way to fix it is to revert it by lying, but if you’re conversational partner already as an axiom of honesty then you’re safe and can keep discussing.

Is there anyone worth being friends with who’ll keep secrets from you?

Deciding to keep super secrets doesn’t matter whether I know of them or not: I want to know them. In this case, I understand caring about reality. I understand why I don’t want to wirehead into erasing that I don’t know about the possibility of their super secrets. The person exists out their in reality, I want to know that person. I want to know you.

Openness Imbalance

Friendships should be freeing, the things which you choose to do in friendships don’t indebt others, and so forth and so on.

Me choosing to be fully open in relationships doesn’t mean the other has to too.

But I still want them to.

And I feel that way anyway. I’m not going to deny that, and I can’t think of any good reason why anyone who wants to be my close friend, should ever keep a secret from me, so I endorse that endorsement..

I don’t like being an open book while the other keeps secrets.

But do you lose the ability to signal friendship strength through secret sharing? If a major signal for close friendships is sharing secrets though, then you lose this as an ability to do this to appropirately signal making one person stand out in your friendsihps. You could repeatedly say 'I care about you very much' or 'I love you' or 'I trust you very much and value your friendship closely' or you could just upfront *tell* them the things, while for other people you don't tell them up front but don't keep it from them if they ask. But also, maybe believing you need a friendship to be higher than others is a symptom of low self esteem. Maybe people who love themselves don't care.
Another possible point against not keeping secrets is that boundadries drive diversity, and keeping secrets maintains the boundaries between you and your friends. Diversity here being the changing of the individual over time. This aligns with how only the individual can search for truth. If holding a secret opinion, you can change it effortlessly when alternative evidence arises as there's no one to hold yourself consistent to. Thoughts? ​ — **If something is wrong, don't do it. If something is right, don't be scared of being seen doing it, for it is right. ** I'm getting better at this. I can't stand having secrets now. I need people to know me, I need to be free.  > “The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.” —Neil Gaiman (who) Replacing with > Lies beget other lies. Unlike statements of fact, which require no further work on our part, lies must be continually protected from collisions with reality. When you tell the truth, you have nothing to keep track of. The world itself becomes your memory, and if questions arise, you can always point others back to it. You can even reconsider certain facts and honestly change your views. And you can openly discuss your confusion, conflicts, and doubts with all comers. In this way, a commitment to the truth is naturally purifying of error. > > But the liar must remember what he said, and to whom, and must take care to maintain his falsehoods in the future. This can require an extraordinary amount of work — all of which comes at the expense of authentic communication and free attention. The liar must weigh each new disclosure, whatever the source, to see whether it might damage the facade that he has built. And all these stresses accrue, whether or not anyone discovers that he has been lying. ~ Sam Harris, Lying Would you be willing to connect and share all your memories with someone else? How much of someone else do you have to know for it to be a good relationship? Do you trust other people to determine Do you want other people to know you? — can accept behaviour of anyone except for myself ​ need to consider yourself deterministically ​ actions in your pass are entirely in your control being harsh or mean to people is inneffective Secrets about criticisms about people are often net-negative ​ - are they???? kept getting a bit more productive, but coercie and breaking down you can't scold yourself to high levels of productivity criticism vs feedback - haven't seen that many people take criticism well - if you want to give good criticism, you have to polish it well - not the same cos you both know each other really well went unsaid: between FRIENDS and people you trust. telling x he's wasting time and should be doing better work - personal secrets - secret opinions about others must have, nice to have, distraction

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